Burn!

Today, on All My Children:

"I smell a rat, J.R."

"Then maybe you should change your aftershave."

OOOOHHHH!!! That was a good one. I don't generally watch soap operas, but left the tv on channel 7 after the news (weather! more weather!) and caught that delightfully witty exchange. Really, it's made my day.

In other news, I'm currently reading a book by noted atheist Richard Dawkins titled "The God Delusion"; I have some thoughts rolling around my head on that one.

Nutcases for $800

Alex Trebeck flips the card over and begins to read, with much inflection, "Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger."

A hand shoots into the air, waving madly, its owner jumping up and down as she shouts, "Anxiety!"

Alex pauses as the other two contestants glare at Jumpy McJumperstein down at the end.

"Well, your answer is correct, Sarah, but you failed to use the buzzer and you did not put it in the form of a question."

"I know, but the buzzers drive me crazy, Alex, and really, 'What is Anxiety' if not blurting out the answer in the wrong format while looking like a fool on national television?"

I had this dream tonight or this morning, whatever, that I had to get dressed. Except my dream stylized itself as one of those weird little indie, post-nouveau riche films where they feature the same scene over and over and over again in some sort of quick edit thing. I hate those scenes. In my dream, I just kept putting my pants and shirt on, over and over and over again.

I have dealt with (I hate the word "suffer", as in "I have suffered from...") anxiety attacks many times before, and so they are quite familiar to me. I've studied up on it a lot, had to go on medication for a while, weaned myself off the medication several years ago, and have been doing pretty darn good ever since. But there are some things that can trigger an anxiety attack and one of those things, for me (it's different for everyone) is repetitive motion. Windshield wipers drive me nuts. The repetitive flipping and the noise that the radio doesn't quite cover. Well, nuts in the sense that my heart starts beating faster, my breathing gets all off kilter, my skin starts getting really itchy, and I just want to jump out of the car and run screaming down the street, tearing out my hair and flinging off my clothes behind me.

Fortunately, I have the mental capacity to not pull a Britney Spears and am able to just concentrate my way past it. Another weird trigger (and this one is universal, I found out) is thinking that you'll have an anxiety attack, which actually produces a feeling of anxiety, which then triggers an actual panic attack.

I remember talking to a woman who experienced anxiety attacks when shopping at "Big Box" stores like Costco or Target. The rows of overhead florescent lights were in enough of a repetitive pattern that it triggered an anxiety attack. She wanted to know how I got past them. I told her I prayed a lot and sang songs to myself in my head to take my mind off it. She said she didn't believe in prayer and just avoided going into those types of stores. She also doesn't believe in conventional medication. That's a lot of things to not believe in.

I think I would have an anxiety attack if I wasn't able to go to Target.

I spoke to another person who passes out during her anxiety attacks. She works herself up into such a state of fear, with all the physical manifestations of what's essentially a non-heart heart attack that she blacks out. She's on huge doses of medication. These aren't self-help group therapy visits, by the way. These are just conversations I find myself in when I'm out and about. The first lady I met a few weeks ago at CVS pharmacy. We were chatting about some sort of product and I mentioned it was probably cheaper at Target and that's when the whole "wow, we both have this weird thing to deal with" conversation happened. Apparently CVS has dimmer lights and the store is more dense so you notice them less. I met the other person at school - she didn't make it to class one day because she was all freaked out about her presentation that she passed out and essentially missed it.

Anxiety is a weird beast. Unless you've experienced an anxiety attack, it can be really difficult to understand what it's like. It feels like a heart attack. Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, pain where your heart is (probably because it's speeding up to deal with Imminent Fear), a feeling of claustrophobia, narrowing of vision, headache, tingling in the extremities, itchy or crawling skin, the inability to think rationally or positively, and the overwhelming feeling of danger.

Psychologists define anxiety as "A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning."

That's pretty much it. There is a lot of medication on the market to deal with anxiety.

Jesus says He didn't give us a spirit of fear. I hold on to that wholeheartedly. I do my absolute best to make decisions that are not based in fear, mostly because I've seen the devastating results of what happens when people do make decisions out of fear. It drives me crazy when my mom does the "what if you're lying in a ditch somewhere and I don't know about it because you don't call me every Friday night!" The possibilities behind that statement are that I would a) be anywhere near a ditch to fall into or put my car into, b) put myself into a situation where someone else would put me in a ditch, c) go lie in a ditch, just for the express purpose of not calling her, d) dig my own ditch, lie in it, and call her from it, e) ditch my phone entirely on a Friday night and go play putt-putt. I presented these options to her and got back a string of not-very-nice Chinese that I couldn't entirely understand, but got the gist of. I then gently told my mother that God did not give her a spirit of fear and that if I don't call on a Friday night, she should assume I'm out with friends and we're all lying in ditches, ignoring our parents. "Well, at least you won't be alone." There you go, mom, that's the spirit.

I have a healthy fear - I don't like spiders, I don't do the big jumps when snowboarding because I don't want to break something, I don't run around in public in my underwear, I don't go lying in ditches in the middle of the night, etc. etc. etc.

But when I think of anxiety, specifically my anxiety and the reasons behind it, I know that it is designed to invade my life and cripple me from the purpose that God has for me. Did God give it to me? No, He doesn't give out spirits of fear. Did Satan set this up around me? Probably. Whatever. However it got here, it's here, I'm not going to medicate myself to death about it, I'm not going to stop doing things I love (like driving in rain) because of it, and it's given me yet another platform of relatability to people that I might not talk to otherwise, like CVS lady. All to Jesus, I surrender. That includes my fears and my anxiety. That doesn't mean I walk around without a care in the world. I have cares, I have contingency plans, I own a fire extinguisher and a stocked emergency kit in the event of an earthquake. But I command my anxieties, they don't command me. Thank God.

Blessed are the anxious, for they will get into Heaven except in the event they don't get into heaven, because then they will be in hell, but the way to avoid hell is to come to Jesus, but then what if He doesn't want me, but He promised to want everybody, and that He wouldn't reject anybody who came to Him, but then what if I'm the one person that He does reject, or I get up there and He's like "Sorry we're full." and then I realize I should have just become a Mormon because then I would at least have free underwear for life, but then I would have to ride a bicycle, and I really don't ride a bicycle all that well, but maybe they'd let me have a small car, but small cars aren't exactly safe, and speaking of cars, when was the last time I had an oil change?

God with a filter and Hebrews

Marching onward with my discipleship book and stuff, if there was ever a chapter that outlined in a most confusing, yet strangly clarifying, way the Trinity of God, it's Hebrews 1.

The chapter I'm working on deals with the deity of Christ. It said to read Hebrews 1 for evidence of that. What I find interesting about the chapter are not the multiple references to Jesus being God, but the Who that is describing Jesus' deity.

Granted, Paul wrote this, but you have to go on the belief that all Scripture is inspired by and practically written by God Himself. Even the really weird mundane details such as geneologies.

Anyway, God the Father says to Jesus, God the Son:

"You are my Son;
today I have become your Father"?
Or again,
"I will be his Father,
and he will be my Son"?

6 And again, when God brings his firstborn into the world, he says,
"Let all God's angels worship him."

7 In speaking of the angels he says,
"He makes his angels spirits,
and his servants flames of fire."

8 But about the Son he says,
"Your throne, O God, will last for ever and ever;
a scepter of justice will be the scepter of your kingdom.

9 You have loved righteousness and hated wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions
by anointing you with the oil of joy."

10 He also says,
"In the beginning, Lord, you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.

11 They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.

12 You will roll them up like a robe;
like a garment they will be changed.
But you remain the same,
and your years will never end."

13 To which of the angels did God ever say,
"Sit at my right hand
until I make your enemies
a footstool for your feet"?

God the Father calls God the Son "God", "Lord" and basically "Creator". Then He says stuff like "God, your God". Really, utterly confusing and yet clarifying at the same time.

Do God and Jesus just have the same name of "God", and "Jesus" is like a derivative of "Junior" ("you were named for the dog?")? No, the Bible holds clear evidence that Jesus has his own names - "wonderful counselor, Prince of Peace, etc." and that God Himself has his own names - "Abba, Jehovah, etc."

So really, there are two separate individuals here who share the same base of power - omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient.

The one verse from the entire passage that clarifies this for me (and I don't know if this is clear to anyone else, I could be writing in mud for all I know) is this:
"The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word. After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven."

The reason why all this came up is because of this question in the book: "Jesus' superiority to the angels is shown by..."

I don't know that I actually answered that question (mostly because it was so basic -I mean, Gabriel comes down to earth and scares the crap out of a bunch of shepherds, or was it Michael, anyway, another angel stands in the middle of a river and has this dialogue with Joshua, Gabriel tells Mary she's pregnant - angels have this long history of scaring people with "tidings". Jesus eased his way into things - already, He's way ahead of the curve.), but I was struck by the idea that Jesus is the exact representation of God's being.

We, as human beings, are made in the image of God. But we are not exact representations of God. We have attributes and connection to God, but I don't believe God looks anything like me - two eyes, two arms, two legs, torso, etc. I have an easier time understanding my soul to be the image of God in that it feels things on a much, much smaller scale than God would feel; it is subject to eternity as defined and demonstrated by God. But I am not a physically manifested exact representation of God.

Angels are not an exact representation of God either. In fact, based on the descriptions of angels in Revelations, I would go so far as to say that we as human beings are more representative of God than angels. I believe that angels are like slightly overprocessed Xerox copies of God - a two-dimensional idea of God, if you will, because they only possess one or two of His attributes, whereas we as humans possess a full range of what God's characteristics are like.

Angels are limited in what they can do. The majority of them don't have free will. Lucifer was different and you could say that he may have been the prototype for human beings in that he was given the option to choose. He chose to go his own way and is the plague that haunts us all. Lucifer is also not an exact representation of God, in that God cannot contradict Himself. I think an additional reason why I believe Lucifer was a prototype is that God, in deciding to create something with free will and then imbuing that creation with His breath, i.e. His image, also realized that that creation needed to be in its own place to really be of free will. Hence, earth.

We don't know that Lucifer wouldn't have made a different decision had he not been constantly surrounded by heaven and the presence of God. Kind of like kids who grow up in a loving home that turn to all manner of unloving things. But I don't believe Lucifer received the breath/image of God - not like us. Free will is not the image of God. Free will is a gift from God. God Himself has less free will than we do. He cannot be evil. And we are grateful for that. Our free will doesn't make us better than God by any stretch of the imagination, but it does make us better than the angels in that we willingly come to God and cast our crowns before Him, bow at his feet, and sing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty. We were not created with our sole funtion being to do only that. We were created with many functions and we have the ability to make that task of praising God one of our functions.

But I digress. Anyway, Jesus is the exact representation of God's being and is the radiance of God's glory.

First of all, just rest in the awesome verbology of that description. I remember one day where a co-worker complimented me. I was working through a horribly painful phase in my life, but had that one day of clarity. I had spent the morning just reading my Bible, praying, listening to some Delirious, and just really feeling close to God. I went into work, and she came up to me and said "You look different today. I don't know what it is, but I want to say that you look radiant. You are radiant."

I knew I felt radiant, but I had no idea that it was reflected on my face that other people could see it. I remember being curious (not vain - maybe vain now, since I am aware of it, but not vain in that moment) and looking in the mirror and marveling at the fact that my face was glowing. I didn't see any definition of my features, only this glow. More than that, I remember how I felt that day. As if no darkness in the world could ever diminish the clarity and joy I owned. That I had no doubts, no fears, no troubles and no pain. That my life here on earth was just a temporary way station until I could fully be in the presence of God, and this was just a taste of what that was going to be like full-time.

That experience allows me to understand the truth of what it means to call the Son of God "the radiance of God's glory." There is no darkness in the world that could diminish that clarity, joy, and truth of what He is. There is no eclipse to blot out that radiance. I can not describe my own experience except to say that the most overwhelming of all the feelings I could define was clarity. Not in what I was going to be doing with my life, or who I would marry, or even what the next five minutes were going to look like, but clarity in that "I know whom I have believed and I am convinced." Nothing else mattered that day except to hold onto that clarity as long as possible. The radiance of God's glory is that - clarity. Not a happy happy joy joy feeling of leaping over tall buildings in a single bound, or feelings of worthlessness and despair, but unadulturated, undramatized, unarrogant clarity and confidence. The kind of clarity that allows one to accept both the fact that they are unholy and yet fully able to receive God's love.

Jesus being the exact representation of God's being does not mean that He replaces God or is a diluted form of God. The dictionary defines "representation" often as being on behalf of something.

That is what Jesus did - he came to earth on behalf of God the Father, as His representative. But the dictionary also says:
9. presentation to the mind, as of an idea or image.
10. a mental image or idea so presented; concept.
11. the act of portrayal, picturing, or other rendering in visible form.

Jesus on earth was also the presentation of what God's image on earth should actually look like. Not on the outside - Jesus wasn't pretty, or glamorous, or any of those things. But from the inside, He presented to us a mental image of what God would have us be as those created in His image. Holy, just, righteous, pursuing Him, compassionate, etc.

Xerox copies are just copies of what is already in existance. A clone does the same thing. But a representative is someone who has their own attributes and stake in life, but chooses to take on the responsibilities of someone else. To us, Jesus is God with a filter known as the cross. Everything that Abba Father would say to us, Jesus says with grace and compassion. Everything that Abba Father would do to us, Jesus says He's already allowed to happen to him.

The book asked "In Heb. 1:3, what encourages you about Jesus' ability to reveal God?"

Representatives reveal that which might not otherwise be seen. I wrote that Jesus, while being the radiance of God's glory, is accessible to me, whereas Abba Father may not be because of my unholy state. Through the Rep., I can touch, taste, see, feel, experience the love of God in various forms without fear, blood sacrifice, or being struck down by lightening. It doesn't mean that I'm not in awe. But it does mean that I'm allowed.

R.O.U.S.'s? I don't believe they exist.

(from today's NY Times)
January 16, 2008
Scientists Discover Huge Extinct Rodent
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Filed at 3:04 p.m. ET

LONDON (AP) -- Imagine a rodent so big it weighs a ton and is the size of a bull. Uruguayan scientists say they have uncovered fossil evidence of the biggest species of rodent ever found, one which roamed South America about 4 million years ago, when the continent was still an island.

A herbivore, the beast may have been a contemporary -- and possibly prey -- of saber-toothed cats in a prehistoric version of Tom and Jerry.

Rodents are the most abundant group of living mammals on Earth and, with only a few exceptions, they're tiny.

But this one's skull was huge -- more than 20 inches long -- suggesting an animal about three meters in length weighing more than a ton.

The skull was originally found on a beach in the Uruguayan province of San Jose in 1987 by an Argentine fossil collector identified as Sergio Viera, who donated it to Uruguay's National History Museum, in the capital city of Montevideo.

Museum director Arturo Toscano told The Associated Press the fossil was found near the vast River Plate estuary -- a muddy waterway separating Uruguay from Argentina that empties into the South Atlantic.

But it spent nearly two decades in a box at the museum before it was rediscovered by curator Andres Rinderknecht, who enlisted the help of fellow researcher Ernesto Blanco to study it.

Blanco told The AP he was shocked when he first came face to face with the fossil, saying it looked even bigger than a cow skull.

''It's a beautiful piece of nature,'' he said. ''You feel the power of a very big animal behind this.''

Blanco said the skull's shape and the huge incisors left no doubt they were dealing with a rodent, but warned that the estimate they made of the animal's bulk was imprecise -- he said it weighed between 1,700 and 3,000 pounds. But he said the now-extinct rodent, named Josephoartigasia monesi, clearly outclassed its nearest rival, the Phoberomys, found in Venezuela and estimated to weigh between 880 and 1,500 pounds.

Blanco said the animal's teeth pointed to a diet of aquatic plants, and the geological record suggested the rodent lived in forested areas close to fresh water.

The creature could have been a contemporary to the saber-toothed cats and giant carnivorous birds that roamed the area millions of years ago, but Blanco said it was not clear whether such predators had the power necessary to bring down the huge beast.

Scientists uninvolved with the research agreed: This was one really big rodent.

''I think it's a very important discovery -- it is certainly an immense animal,'' said Mary Dawson, a paleontologist at the Carnegie Museum of Natural History in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She said it and other rodents grew bigger and bigger by filling the ecological niche taken elsewhere by rhinos and hippos.

''They got large taking the role of some herbivores that were not present at that time -- South America was still an island continent,'' she said. But when North and South America were linked about 3 million years ago, the rodents were swamped by North American animals and eventually died out.

''It's too bad they're extinct, I'd love to see those things,'' she said.

Despite newspaper headlines hailing the ''mighty mouse,'' researchers say that Josephoartigasia monesi was more closely related to guinea pigs and porcupines than it was to rats or mice.

''These are totally different from the rats and mice we're accustomed to,'' said Bruce Patterson, the curator of mammals at the Field Museum in Chicago, confirming that it was the biggest rodent he had ever heard of.

An artist's impression of the beast seemed to show a cross between a hippopotamus and guinea-pig. Patterson said its discovery gave scientists more insight into the fauna of the prehistoric South American continent, when it hosted creatures such as marsupial predators and hoofed animals known to scientists as archaic ungulates.

''These were things with trunks on their noses, huge claws on their hands, they look like somebody just made them up,'' Patterson said.

Little trace of big rodent is left. Its closest surviving cousin, the pacarana, is endangered. The sharp-clawed 33-pound rodent lives in the hills around the Andes Mountains in South America. It is considered among the largest living rodents, but its slow rate of reproduction -- and reputation among humans as a tasty treat -- means its prospects are grim.

Both Blanco, the researcher, and Toscano, the museum director, said they hoped the find would attract more resources to museums in the developing world such as Uruguay's -- which is so strapped for cash it has been unable to hold public exhibitions since 2000.

Rinderknecht and Blanco's research was published Wednesday in this week's issue of biological research journal, Proceedings of the Royal Society B.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I guess this is one of the reasons I believe in Darwin's Survival of the Fittest/natural evolution theory in the sense that there are certain species that have the ability to survive throughout time and other species do not. We just don't have the ecostructure to support a beast of that size. Really, rodent in miniature causes enough havoc, let alone this thing.

Could you imagine these things walking around the sewer system in New York City? Or lurking in restaurant kitchens or dairy production facilities? "Ratatouille" would have been a much different movie, had these things made it into current existence. Perhaps it's the monster from Cloverfield!

Worthiness for $200

So I started this discipleship class through my church this morning. One of the questions was: "Do you feel worthy to receive God's love?"

I honestly don't feel either worthy or unworthy to receive God's love. I feel like the word "worthy" requires or implies a lot of arrogance on our part. Am I worthy? Have I done anything or possess any particular talent that makes me more beloved? No. But neither am I wholly unworthy. I am simply created to be loved by God.

The way I see it, I have no choice but to be loved by God, no matter what I do or don't do. God's love for me is completely independent of me - there's nothing I can do to make Him not love me and there's nothing I can do to make Him love me. Or, in other words, my worthiness in the world is completely unrelated to God's love for me. The two are not mutually exclusive.

My very existence means that God loves me - completely and without degrees of separation or categories. Which could cause some people to say, "well, then what's the point of trying to do anything good or follow God's commandments?"

Really the question should not be "Do you feel worthy to receive God's love?" but "Since you have God's love, what are you going to do to maintain it?"

Look at it this way - someone gives you a premium performance sports car, say a Ferrari. You didn't do anything to earn that car, you can barely drive it, but here you go. It's yours. The giver has said "I insist" in that voice of finality that overbearing hostesses use when forcing you to eat that last piece of whatever. Stuck and stuck.

Your options are to keep it in the garage (or street parking, for those of us too poor to even have a garage) and leave it there to waste away into a pile of rust. You don't have to make payments on it or pay for the insurance, so there's really no weird pressure to use it. It's probably better and easier to ignore that this Ferrari even exists. Your friends might alternately hate you and make fun of you - because let's face it, unless you're a 30-something gorgeous Italian man with the hair and the face thing going on (or a particular Asian-American chick), you'll look like a dork behind the wheel. Valets everywhere threaten the life of your vehicle. But what a shame. The other option is to buy a really awesome pair of shades, get a tan, and go cruising to show off the shiznit to the world.

Yes my friends, you have just read a metaphor for God's love for you.

Are you worthy? Do you feel worthy? Of course not. But that doesn't answer the problem of what are you going to do with God's love since you have it? Unfortunately the rest of the world treats God's love the way mid-life crisis drivers treat Ferraris. Ever been stuck behind a performance vehicle going maybe 50 on a wide open freeway? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how God feels when He looks at some of us.

Bizarro Thought of the Day

So, a label on my shampoo bottle says "Final product not tested on animals."

Then how am I supposed to know if I can use it on my dog?

It's a New Year - Same Me - New Expectations

Wow... for a second there I almost couldn't get into Blogger. Forgot my password, e-mail address that I registered under, all kinds of chaos. It's been too long.

I'm thinking about the "It's the New Year, Time for a New You!" phrase that rolls out across physical fitness centers, hair salons, and whatever all else it could possibly roll out on. I like me. Really. I have my moments where me is confusing and annoying and excessively, excessively analytical, but everyone has those. Taken as a whole, me is pretty good.

So rather than rolling out a New Me!, I'm just going to roll out New Expectations! And in changing my expectations for this year, perhaps there won't be so much pressure to change myself.

There are, of course, things about me that could be changed. How I manage my time, getting to the gym or just outside more often, pushing a little harder at work, getting better grades in school, writing more instead of keeping all this stuff bottled up in my head, keeping my realm (I like the word "realm" - as in "We just passed into the Realm of Sarah!" - waaaaaay too much Lord of the Rings watching, here) cleaner and less cluttered, etc.

But if I change my expectations, then those things will sort of naturally fall into place, I guess. See, if I decide I want to do all sorts of fun stuff this year like take a trip, go to the Zoo, visit the Charles M. Schultz Museum in Santa Rosa, and I expect that I will accomplish these things this year, then it naturally forces me to change how I manage my time, how I manage my finances, and how I take care of myself as an individual. And... if you're leaving on a trip, you don't want to come home to a messy realm, so you'll just clear out the clutter more.

My expectations for school are that I'll graduate this year! My grades are pretty good (they have to be or they unceremoniously kick me out and take my money and then kick me for good measure), but they could be a smidgen better (did you know they use + or - signs in grad school? freaking ridiculous, just give me the letter so I don't have to torment myself. It's the half-Chinese side. It looks at an A-, alerts the ancestors, and they start in with the mental comments "You no study hard! You need study harder! You no get bad grade!"). My expectations for work ... well, I really don't have any expectations for work, actually. I'm doing good. I passed probabtion, so I'm a "regular, full-time" government employee. They can't really fire me, unless I do something majorly stupid on an ethical level. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm probably going to coast a bit at work this year. I'm one of those over-achiever types (you? No.) so I jump into all the work projects and volunteer for stuff and bake things for my co-workers and just do my best to be a team player, but also a leader. I'm tired. So I'm going to back off a bit because I really need to graduate and get school done. There's only so much space in my brain, and since my classes are in the final push (aka "more difficult and advanced") I'm going to need those brain cells usually reserved for major decision making such as "Where are we going to lunch today?"

One thing about government service, it's always there. I have deadlines and stuff gets moved on and off my "plate" as we like to call it, but it never goes away. Projects never really end... they just expand and get renewals on contracts and grant money and it's endless! So the stuff I don't bust my butt on today or even this year will still be there for me to bust my butt on next year. I'm embarressed, but am prioritizing. I hope it doesn't become a habit - this "just get your work done, function at 90%" attitude. After graduation, I'm back at 120 because I don't want to let my team down. Or I'll just find another job.

To come back to the topic at hand... don't look at yourself and be like "Oh God, I need to create a whole new me for 2008. I'm going to eat this entire pizza to give me strength and then I'm going to watch television for the next five hours while I think about what a whole new me means." because that's probably what you've done in years past. I have, except instead of tv, it's LotR - The Extended Editions. (By the way, does anyone else have an obsession with Jeno's Party Pizzas like I do?)

In fact, don't even look at yourself at all. Just sit down with a pen and a blank piece of paper (or in my case, a blank e-mail) and jot down what you'd like to do this year. Things you can do - not vague things like "lose weight, feel great", or "stop spending money like water", or "be undepressed". You need to have an end goal that is the fruition of what you're trying to accomplish: "I want to climb half-dome at Yosemite!", "I want to go to Vegas to see Spamalot!", "I want to start my own toupee company because that's just hilarious!"

Then figure out what you need to do to get there: start hiking around your house because I hear Half-Dome is pretty big, watch a lot of Monty Python movies so you understand Spamalot, and don't get wacky haircuts because you'll need that hair of yours.

Everyone says change is internal. That's something that men tell women because they're tired of women trying to nag them into changing. Whatever - I'm telling myself that change this year is going to be external. These are the things I want to do this year, I've invited some friends along to experience the goal, and now I just need to figure out what I need to do personally to get there. I mean, it's going to be horribly embarressing if my friends are like "Hey, aren't we going to San Diego this weekend?" and I'm all "No, because I'm feeling flabby, I don't have money, and I just want to stay home and watch Lord of the Rings for the 100th time." Great expectations, peeps. It's the New You!

Atheists, Agnostics, Anti-Theists and Assumptions

There seems to be this assumption that because I believe in one true God, I believe in Jesus, I believe in the Holy Spirit, I believe in the Trinity, I believe that Christ died for me, I believe in the Resurrection, I believe in prayer, I believe in forgiveness, I believe in creation, and because I believe in the principles of the Bible, I must also believe in and support "organized religion".

I don't. I distrust 99% of pastors, ministers, elders, deacons, and general church staffers. I hate all the denominations of Christianity. I hate "building funds". I think about what the world is dealing with in regards to jihadists, terrorism, and Islamic zealots and my heart breaks because "my" religion did all this not so long ago under the heading "Crusades" and "in the name of the Holy Father". It's sick. Organized religion. There is this obsession in life to organize everybody, regardless of the consequences. Kind of like the No Child Left Behind Act. But that would be another topic, wouldn't it? And "how dare you compare organized religion - those corrupt individuals! - to something as benign as the No Child Left Behind Act????" But it's all organization, isn't it? You either play and pass the test or you just have to repeat the same thing, over and over and over again until you get it.

The thing that pisses me off is not only the assumption, but the mis-labeling of one's stance against organized religion. Most of the world recognizes atheists and agnostics. But really, there is a third category that much of this falls into, anti-theists.

Atheists believe there is no God. They're okay with that. Having conversed with a true atheist, this person is confident and content in his understanding that he is accountable only to himself, his own conscience and to mankind. He doesn't care that the rest of the world might choose to believe differently. He's just doing his thing and you're welcome to join him in his thoughts or not. I told him he was practicing true religion - and he laughed and agreed with me that his choice to believe in not-God is, in itself, a religion. True atheism is just that... a belief without anger and irritation. He does get annoyed the way I get annoyed when people assume that because he's an atheist, he must hate God and religion. He doesn't. He just doesn't choose to believe in it. It's kind of hard to hate something you don't believe exists. I don't believe in ghosts, but I don't hate ghosts and I don't hate other people's belief in ghosts. You believe what you believe, I believe what I believe, and there is enormous respect there for both parties. We have a bond of mutual compulsion that leads us in different paths.

Agnostics have an idea that there might be a God, or might not be a God, but really, he's not too sure which God is the right God, and even if he did pick, he could be picking wrong, so he's just going to put a blanket over all of it, say it's all good, and then wander on off his merry way. He's not content, and will never be content because underneath it all, there's a nagging feeling that he has to pick. Most agnostics don't pick something until very late in life. I've known a few true agnostics... they're mostly betas, marshmallows, easy-going, non-opinionated, don't offend anyone types. They agree with everyone, but stop short of committing to any one thing. Do I sound like I have a lack of respect for agnostics? Yes and no. I'm a Type A, so part of me says "Pick a side you doofus!" But knowing my own fight with faith, I envy their ability to not have to pick. I envy their ease of life, their lack of compulsion, and their breeziness. If I had it my way, I would have grown up they way they did with nothing and then picked something right before I die.

Anti-theists present themselves as either atheists or agnostics. They pretend that they are open-minded to all religion, but the reality is they are not open to any of it. They loathe this idea of God, of a crutch, of an organization exerting any type of control over their lives. Ask them and they'll tell you something wrong with virtually every religion on the planet - Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Taoism, Catholicism and especially Christianity. An agnostic might do this, but they'll also tell you there's something good about all of them. He just hasn't made up his mind yet. Ask an anti-theist and he'll conceed that there might be something good about all of them, but most of it is backwards, retrograde, pushes down the people, clouds judgement, corrupt, takes advantage of people, and the list of horrible things religion has done to the world goes on and on. They are anti-theology, anti-religion, anti-God. They are not atheists, because atheists don't believe there is a higher power to be "anti". Educated people are most likely to be anti-theists. And, those that have spent little time in any organized religion tend to be anti-theists. That guy trying to get "under God" taken out of the pledge of allegiance is an anti-theist masquerading as an atheist. He hates God. And he's using his daughter's name to front his campaign. What a coward and a manipulative asshole.

Let me tell you who deserves to be an anti-theist or even an atheist. I do. I've seen and received and experienced all of that fabulous Christian corruption. Hell, I've walked into most of it with my eyes wide open and still been surprised at the lengths good Christian people will go to kill each other. I've been abused, in the name of God, because "He gave you such a sweet spirit, it just needs to be brought more into His presence". I've been promised love and a lifetime of togetherness, only to have it torn away because "I've been praying about it and I'm just not feeling it anymore." My heart and soul have been raped and laid open on the alter of church, and the church people looked and saw that it was "vulnerable" and "transparent" and a "gift from God". I've been stabbed in the back by the same people who pulled me into Bible study and told me they were my sisters and brothers in Christ. I've been kissed on the cheek and hugged by Judas. My family's money has been stolen and misused, because we believed in giving back to the church. My brother was kicked away and denied friendship for being a child without a father. My family was rejected because my mother divorced an adulturer and a molester. You want to talk about how shitty organized religion is? You want to use your pithy excuses on me? You want to bring to the table a few hours of "research" from reading articles or watching films or even talking to other anti-theists and use that argument with me?

Give me a break. You live through what I've lived through and tell me your reasons for rejecting organized religion and I might cut you some slack.

Through all of my experiences I have learned to separate God from religion. I'm not religious. I believe in God. I don't buy into organized religion - I buy into faith. My faith was bought at a price. I didn't pick it up along with a copy of Purpose Driven Life and a WWJD bracelet. I don't believe in the sanctity of the church because the church is made up of broken people who just can't help themselves. I believe in the sanctity of God and the truth of the Bible.

People that know me either get this part about me or shake their heads and walk away. They don't want to be confronted by the backwards truth of it all. That someone who could be educated, could also be faithful. That someone with reason to hate the church and hate God would still love God and be okay enough with church to show up. That someone that doesn't need a crutch has a crutch anyways. I'm a real pain in the ass for people who hate all the contradictions. My favorite is when people tell me "well that's okay for you." Thank you for that concession. Why do I make you so uncomfortable and how is me being the way I am not okay for you? Because that's what you're really telling me when you say that.

I have my hypocritical moments. There are things in life that would seem to be the antithesis of belief in God, but really, if you're against organized religion with all of it's rules, then how do you know that what I'm doing is wrong? It's really my decision and my choice, right? Do I ask God to bless what I do? I'm not stupid. I know when I do things wrong and act accordingly. I know when I do things right and do my best to be humble about it. And I know when I walk the line and need to take a hard look at myself to determine what course of action I should take. That's organization right there.

Anti-theists don't get to play this game unless they've lived through it. All your reasons for hating organized religion for what it's done to "society" don't hold water. Why don't you read the Bible, read the Koran, read the Torah, read all of Confucious' writings and figure out which one has done all this damage to you as an individual? Perhaps that damage you're feeling is compulsion to pick a side. Think about this one - you only buck organized religion because out of all the organizations in the world that our lives are entwined with, it's the easiest to argue against. Organized religion is easy to hate and don't you look so smart hating it. Really, it's a conversation piece at cocktail parties. I mean, look at this blog! Easy!

I have a friend who hates organized banking so much that he started the Bank of the Mattress and does just fine. He doesn't have a checking account, a savings account, or any plastic in his wallet, other than a library card. He also dislikes organized religion, but says out of all the organization he hates the most... it's banks. He also hates organized DMV, but hasn't found a way around needing a driver license. Don't even get him started on organized IRS.

"But those are all different than organized religion!" Really? Let's hear your reasons for that too. I bet you have way more examples of how organized banks and organized DMV and organized taxes and even organized CHP have damaged you more than organized religion has.

Do you get my point? This argument of yours should be personal, not on behalf of society. You want to argue for society, go save Darfur, or build houses for Habitat for Humanity, or make sandwiches for Skid Row. Stop using organized religion as your soapbox to make yourself feel or look better than you really are. It's a cop out, you pansy ass.

And stop assuming things about me.

Februrary 28, 2007

(These are journal entries from my private journal. I guess it's not going to be so private anymore, seeing as I'm publishing it on the web. But if someone reads this, and recognizes their own Attention Deficit Disorder of the Soul when it comes to their life in Christ, then it's worth whatever embarresment I could experience. So here it is - previously only heard, understood, and forgiven by God.)

Just as I am
Without one plea
and that Thou blood
was shed for me...

Oh Lamb of God
I come,
I come

Could you love me just as I am?

"I know what you want, what you're looking for... you want someone to love you for you, just as you are."
~ A friend of mine, over dinner, talking about boys

Little did he (or I) know that my heart was saying the asme thing, not just about Mr. Right, but about Jesus. My questions over time and spiritual dimensions have morphed into this one single, soul-searing question: Do YOU love me, just as I am?

I can't become a better human being without knowing that someone totally accepts the current, flawed package. It's just not possible. Because I will fail miserably time and again in BHB (better human being) quest and someone has got to pick up the shattered and broken and messy and seemingly worthless pieces of NBHB (not-better human being).

I'm paralyzed with fear that the fall from BHB to NBHB will destroy me beyond repair and that no one is going to love me as BHB and I'll have done all that work for nothing. Really, at the root of all this is the very real idea that if you don't love me now, how could you really love me when I'm supposedly an improvement, and what makes YOU think that YOU deserve to love me then anyway? Is it just women who think like this? If you've ever been told by the apparent love of your life, or even your father, that "you'll look better if..." or "you need to do this..." or "I'll stay with you if...." then you know what I mean.

I apply this to God - "if you don't love me now God, in all my mess, then I've got to improve myself for You to be able to love me, right? And if I'm doing all this improving and I'm doing okay on my own, then why do I need You and all this pressure? Oh and while I'm at it, how do I know that You'll grant me Your love after all the improvements are in, or will you just tell me that I need to trim a bit here and add a bit there?"

Thus the descent into madness begins:

God won't love you unless you change ----->

If you change to please God, what's the point of God? ---->

And is He going to require more change? Because my heart can't handle this.

And my A.D.D. Soul starts thinking about fasting in the dieting sense - as in "what a great spiritual exercise in weight loss!" - and not in the "God, I'm hungry, but I'm praying for Your strength."

The freakish moments of A.D.D.ness come like this: I'm standing over the bathroom sink dry heaving, crying out my broken heart to God, screaming at Him to just touch my heart, my soul, my life, and to hold me in the midst of my brokenness. I've got snot and tears and spit just pouring into my hands (which I'm running under the faucet to keep clean), and in the middle of asking God if He really cares about me, I suddenly also ask if the cute guy from my class is somehow going to stop by to say "hi", see my tears - comfort me - fall in love with my spiritual pain and transparency and we'll live happily ever after.

This thought is immediately followed by horror and guilt at the idea - then asking "No, seriously, that would be so perfect. I'm sorry, Lord. Why won't you bless me with cute guy again? Right, no heal my pain. And let him ask for my phone number."

THAT is A.D.D. of the Soul. Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, did not pause to wonder how he looked at that moment with the drops of blood running down His forehead. And he did not run to get a mirror to see how spiritual he looked. That is something I would do. What is WRONG with me???

How could God love me just as I am? I'm ridiculous!

Luke 22:28 - I feel like rice paper - the uniform of the Christian soldier breaks me as much as the words of the devil.

run-bike-swim-collapse

Must. Get. To. Four. Miles.

I'm doing pretty well on the biking and swimming. Still stumbling around like a beached walrus on the running, though, to be fair, I run a lot of big hills. So shouldn't one big hill count as double the distance if I were running on a flat surface? I'm up to two and a half miles at a 10 minute mile. I'm adding an extra .6 miles this weekend and will run that 3.1 miles for a couple of weeks before speeding it up. I probably won't add mileage, but will work on decreasing my time. In a race, you get carried away by the crowd for the first half-mile and then the last half-mile is all adrenline, so really, I'm just worried about that middle three miles.

Oh and not drowning during the swim or crashing during the bike race. Actually more panicked about crashing.

So my friend Dave and I are wordies. Some people are foodies. We're wordies. Dave signs his e-mails with -DW... the W being for his last name.

Which started this conversation:

"Darkwing Duck?"
"Dishwasher."
Dangerous Winnings.
Despotic Wars.
Definitely weed.
Doped wine.
Despised wisdom.
Dreadfully wanted.
Driving wasted.
Dating wasted.
Driving westerly.
Drawing wombats.
Dastardly wicked.
Daily wisecracks.
Definitely wonky.
Dating website.
Dating. Whoopie.
Distraught Writings.
Deranged welders.
Dangling windows.
Death wookie!
Disturbing weight.
Dipped walnuts.
Decent walletsize.
Distasteful websites.
Double wantondre (ha!)
Dang webs!
DVD watching.
Dappled waddlers.
divalike waifs.
Dreading work.
Definitely Weinerschnitzel.
Delightful winks.
Damp walls.
Dangerous warts.
Dimpled warthogs.
Dodgy widows.
Dark wharf.
Duarte wanderings.
Depressed werewolves.
Deepfried wontons.
Distrust wantons. All of them.
Disturbed worldview.
Distended weekend.
Double wow.
Displaced wantings.
Department of Water.
Diarrhea. Whoa.
Distemper worthy.
Dinglehopper wanderings.
double wingnuts.
don't worry.
don't walk.
diabolical woodpecker.
dang words.
difficult woman.
demagog wasteland.
dingleberry (on a) wombat!!!! <------ my favorite
democratic waffler
dainty walker.
destitute walrus
dull wallpaper
dumb waiter
didgeree wooer <---- guy that plays the didgereedoo to woo women
Doggie-U-Wash
Define Warden
Dumbo Wins
Dream Weird
Done. Willingly.
Draw. Wow.
Dude wrench.
Dave, what?
Double whopper.



You might think Dave and I have way too much time on our hands - but this entire series of text messages took place between 9:00-ish and 9:45-ish.

Good thing I have unlimited texting. My cell phone bill has about one page of phone calls and about 32 pages of text messages. Brilliant.

i lean like a cholo...

So life has been interesting lately.

I really wonder at the curve balls that God throws our way - for example, I'm thisclose to quitting school. I'm so stinkin' tired with ever lengthening work days, drama, drama, and more drama from all corners of the planet known as Sarah's World, and the continual prayer for days that are 44 hours long instead of just 24.

I'm training for this triathlon - and it's A LOT of work. I wish I could say it's fun, but so far, just trying to find the time to actually run, bike or swim during the workweek is a challenge, let alone the actual running, biking, or swimming part. Speaking of swimming, remind me to write about the truly creepy experience I had at the gym pool the other morning, and the equally creepy experience on later date.

Right now, my inner bitch is just annoyed more than threatened by either of these experiences. Actually, at the time, I was annoyed. The inner bitch must be making headway over cowering, freak out, no confidence and utterly too demure girl!

Yes!

See, every girl has a bitch to her. This is not the high-maintenance, sistah girl, I'm going to rip off your nuts and stuff them in a decorative jar, you have to cater to my every need and I'm a man-hater bitch.

This is the bitch that sticks up for herself and doesn't apologize for it. The bitch that has values and ethics that she doesn't compromise on. The bitch that knows her limits and knows where the line is where on one side, there is a woman worthy of respect and desire and Proverbs 31 and all that jazz, and on the other side is kowtowing to everything that people start to despise in a woman - nagging, self-conscious, panicky, clingy and generally more Jonah 4 than Prov. 31.

I missed her. I used to be her. Then I met some guy and traded in bitch girl for someone who was trying to resemble his mother.

Got nothing against his mother. Got lots against me. It's taken me almost two years to get me back. Know how they say that for every year you're in a relationship, it takes six months to get over it after a breakup?

It took me almost as long to get over stuff as the relationship took - for a completely befuddled sentence.

I'm just thilled that I told a guy off!! Here's what happened:
I'm swimming my laps, doing my thing, at 5:30 in the morning at the gym pool. No one's back there. It's by the locker rooms... set in the back and stuff.

Then I notice this guy standing at the side of the pool. "Okay, he's getting in. whatever." Do a couple more laps.
Then notice he's got his CAMERA PHONE out and is tracking me with it as I swim a lap.

I popped up and just "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

The dude (who was a big dude... no way I could have taken him) plays dumb and is all "I ain't doing nothing!"

"Yeah, I don't believe you, what are you doing with your phone out, give me your phone."

"I ain't giving you my phone!"

"Fine."

I march my wet, dripping, Speedo-clad ass out to the front counter and tell 19-year-old, minimum wage earning, knight in shining armor? front desk clerk to get back there and confront the guy. Who, in a full track jacket and hat and sneakers and all, is trying to hide in the glass walled sauna. Brilliant.

"Sir, what are you doing?"

"Nothing man, I was just taking pictures of the pool."

"Why are you taking pictures of the pool?"

"Well, um... the jacquzzi doesn't look very clean."

Me: thinking, get him out of here. He's not supposed to be back here with a camera phone, he's a creep, he's obviously not here to work out, what the fu**?????

Front desk guy, decidedly NOT knight of any kind: okay, well, just be careful.

JUST BE FU****NG CAREFUL?????? OF WHAT? GETTING A GOOD ANGLE??? MAKING SURE THE VIDEO GETS ON YOUTUBE IN A DOWNLOADABLE FORMAT??????

FU** OFF ASSHOLE!!!! HOW DARE YOU?

Moron!

Anyway, I'm glad I told off Pervert. And now I'm pissed because not like I'm going to feel totally comfortable swimming in my gym pool in the early mornings - which is about the only time I have available.

Second bitch moment came about a few days later, while talking to this date - recounted the story, after prefacing it by saying "yeah, can you believe this one?" As in, this is NOT A GOOD STORY.

And the guy goes "Ha! That's hilarious! You shoulda just pulled down the front of your suit and flashed him your boobies - he could have taken a picture of that! Don't be so sensitive, he's just taking a picture of your ass."

I think I said something along the lines of "You're an asshole. Don't call me again. And your table manners are atrocious."

That's the inner bitch... she's a good friend of mine. I kicked her out of my life for a while because I didn't think other people wanted her around, and they don't because she tells you the difference between right and wrong. So I gave up my sense of moral right and ethics in favor of being complacent and "soft" and some sort of misguided sense of femininity.

Whatever. I can't blame "that one guy way back when" entirely. I started tamping Bitchy Sarah down probably in media - too much confrontation from a crazy boss (or two) and you just lock that part of you down to keep the peace. Unfortunately, in doing so, I tossed the key into some remote portion of my head, so to speak, and have had to dig through many, many layers of crap to find it again.

I'm never going back there again.

Do I compromise? Yes. Do I break my own rules sometimes? Yes. Do I have grace and forgiveness for those that have wronged me? Yes, of course. Do I have my moments where I get all soft and squishy and girlie and kowtow to some guy in all manners power tools, bug and rodent killing, and vehicle repairing? Absolutely. Do I have clear boundaries of things that I can deal with and can't deal with? Yes. And there are some situations that I will never allow myself to get back into... EVER. I don't care what promises are made or what resolutions are formed or what prayers or support groups are put into place. I am not the promise catcher, the resolution backer, the Amen-Thank-You-Baby-Jesuser or the support system. If you want to stuff me into those pigeon holes, you're going to find out that I'm a very square peg with the ability to walk away. Because I have come to recognize that for certain situations, I can't be any of those things without losing a sense of the woman that God made me out to be...bitchy and nice, all in one triathlon-training package.

Welcome back bitch. Stick around. We're going to throw a Tupperware party next.